My journey toward recovery has been long and taken a number of turns, for the better and the worse.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression since 1973, right after high school. Because of my anxiety, I didn’t want to leave home. When I was in my 20s, my parents left our farm in Nebraska for one in Alexandria, Minnesota and I moved with them.
I thought things were looking up at that point. I went to school for avionics, then got a diploma in electronics.
My dad said I couldn’t live with them anymore and had to move out on my own. I man-aged to get a job in electronics in Waseca, and an apartment there, but it only lasted two weeks. My mental health was getting progressively worse; I had begun to hear voices and had developed visual hallucinations as well – though I did not tell this to anyone at this point because I was afraid I would be locked up.
I started to feel that I just couldn’t make it on my own and deal with my symptoms and I attempted suicide – and very nearly succeeded.
I was hospitalized in a psych ward in Mankato and put on anti-psychotics. The nursing staff there said they thought I should be permanently committed to St. Peter’s because I wasn’t going to get any better. But my therapist was seeing me daily and fought for me to get on my own again.
So I moved back home with my parents for a short while to recuperate after I was re-leased from the psych ward. I found a job as a studio engineer at a local TV station in Alexandria and took an apart-ment, but spent the weekends with my folks. I kept the job for 5 years, but, since my medications did not seem to be working, I started a series of ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) treatments. My supervisors at the TV station fired me because they thought I’d lose all memory and skills from the ECT treatments – this was not true, by the way.
Then I moved to Anoka, which was a big, positive move. I lived there with my sister for six months, and then I took a big risk and moved to Minneapolis with housemates. For the first time in my life I felt positive that something could work out.
My symptoms were still there, but more manageable. I underwent a series of 75 ECT treatments over the course of about six years. Because I needed somewhere safe and comfortable to be after these treatments, I was connected to Vail Place by hospital staff.
I became a member in 1988, but was very much afraid and isolated and didn’t want to do any tasks in the clubhouse. Gradually, I learned to answer phones, but that was the only thing I’d do. I was afraid to speak in front of people, but being around other people like myself who had mental illness made me more comfortable, and the staff at Vail Place helped me to learn to take more risks and try out new tasks.
I was even able to take on several TE (transitional employment) positions over the years, which were successful and helpful to me in my recovery.
My journey for recovery has grown by leaps and bounds over the past nine months. This has been noticeable to my mental health providers, as well as to Vail Place staff and members. But even with the helpful prodding of my providers and Vail Place, it has taken a lot of courage on my part to take responsibility for my recovery. Vail Place is an
excellent setting to use the tools I have learned.
My continuing recovery has consisted of many steps so far. It started out with learning new work opportunities at Vail Place. During the past months, I have co-facilitated a Vail Place group three times, despite my anxiety disorder. At the end of August, I traveled to the 9th Mid-States Clubhouse Conference in Troy, Michigan to participate in a presentation representing Vail Place. I also attended workshops to bring back information to share with Vail Place at an upcoming training. Recently, I completed an adult education class on Microsoft 2007 Word, Excel, and PowerPoint with the intention to practice it by teaching other members at Vail Place. Besides these goals, I have entertained the idea of volunteering or working some part-time hours.
I must remember to challenge my symptoms and “put the brakes on” at any time I feel I am taking on too much. Yet I seem to say “yes” more and more when asked to take on a new project.
Vail Place is like somebody turned on a light for me: a real beacon toward my recovery!
